(jump to latest entry)
an introduction (04/01/04 in an old journal):
welcome to my therapy...
one must assume that everything he writes will be read... probably after death, hence everything i write will not only be for me, but for everyone else. hello. my name is adam. what's yours?
is anticipation a sin? is it wrong? it feels like it should be... when will things change? when will everything become different? soon? maybe not? does it matter? i guess not. when will previous entries in this diary cease to matter? how long does it take for one to stop caring? how long?
welcome to my world... now... imagine a waterfall... now... imagine you're standing at the bottom of that waterfall, not beside it, but directly underneath... the water surrounds you... the water crashes into your face with the angry force of a thousand gods. now... imagine that every tiny, single droplet of water in this waterfall is a thought... any thought you may have. thousands of these droplets hit you every second--thousands of "thoughts" hit you every second. this is what it's like to be in my head. this is what it's like to be me. does that sound fun? it might... but it's not.
welcome to insanity.
welcome to depression.
welcome to desperation.
welcome to struggle...
now... imagine that you're being attacked. you're being attacked by someone you know. this man is someone you know quite personally. you're being beaten senseless by someone you love--a bully of the worst degree. now... imagine that this bully is you... you're killing yourself... that is me... everyday.
my thoughts are running a marathon. the negatives are always victorious. spin them around and try to confuse them all. try to give happiness a leg-up...
thoughts are complex by nature... when was the last time you had a simple one? if you can remember, you may want to reassess yourself. stop being simple... these are the goals of our lives.
looking out the window reminds me of my past... not so much my past, but the world's past that i existed in. weather, seasons, and things of that sort. seasons change and i often don't even recognize the transitions. the winter is cold, the summer is hot, and there are things in between. i remember blizzards when i didn't want to go outside. i remember calling in sick to work on the first snow of the winter, feeling the comfort of not having to deal with it. i remember autumn when the leaves made the world feel like a children's playground--that crunch under my feet, the bright colors, the patterns on the ground, the beauty. i remember the spring when the flowers loved me so much, when the rain ran its fingers through my hair and caressed my skin. i remember being alone. i remember feeling loved. i remember being alone and loving it. i remember the summer when the sun scorched my skin. i remember being alone and feeling hated. i remember the trendy swimming pool that made me feel akward. i remember the diving board that gave me stitches... well, should have. and most of all, i remember the sun that hated me and scorched my skin. though i would like to deny it, these seasons affect me greatly, along with everything else... that's very frightening.
i need to teach myself to not look back--teach yourself to not look back, except when it feels good... only when it's refreshing. yes, regrets can teach lessons like a bitter professor, but mostly they just cause pain--they abstruct the view of the future that is necessary for my progression in idealistic life. ideal? yeah... i guess that doesn't exist.
one must assume that everything he writes will be read, so this is not only for me, but for all of you. this will be a diary, not only for my own life, but for all the lives intertwined with my own... hello, and welcome to our world.
05/19/05
just put up the new page... i hope i can manage to keep this current. only time will tell, i suppose.
but the past is dead and the future will never be, so may the glorious present be my muse.
welcome to our disconnected world...
05/25/05
i must say, for being as fucked up as i was last night, i maintained my composure quite well. yes, last night was my 21st birthday. be afraid... be very afraid. lock up your children and bar the doors and windows. adam disconnected is now legal.
sorry for the six day gap on here... my internet has been down for some time. hopefully there won't end up being too many gaps on here, but we'll see.
for some reason, i haven't been able to sleep lately (with the exception of last night). i lie in bed and stare at the ceilings and walls. i toss and turn. music doesn't help. i got some sleeping pills. maybe they'll help. i hate the feeling of being helpless towards sleep. i used to be an insomniac when i was younger. i hope that's not coming back. insomnia makes me feel insane... like i should be locked up in a padded room with a straight-jacket. but i bet i could sleep in that room.
05/27/05
well... the last few days are a blur. and i thought i drank too much before. definately haven't had any problems sleeping though... i've had more trouble trying to keep my drunk ass awake. talk at ya soon... gotta go drink some more.
05/29/05
i can't seem to remember the last few nights. so for tonight, i'm taking a drinking break. the binge had to come to an end eventually. it was great while it lasted. i've also discovered that i have some of the coolest friends in the world (with one exception). i'd be dead without 'em. I finally got ahold of Robin's phone number. I'll be calling her soon. I miss her so much. I wish she wasn't so far away. I want a hug.
these entries will be changing to something of a more philosophical sort very soon. but i've been too drunk to think lately. it's been a nice little vacation from thought.
05/30/05
people disgust me. we're all parasitic puppets, desperately trying to fuck each other over. we are "fuck children of slime". on the rare occasion that we do allow one of our positive qualities to shine passed our filthy souls, it's quickly clouded by this pathetic need for recognition. we do one good trick and stare at those around us like we deserve a fucking cookie. well, i'll tell you right now, the only thing any of us deserve is a swift kick in the nether-region. my apologies if there actually are any truly pure people reading this. i suppose it's possible... but i've never met you. if that's the case... keep up the good work, and help us all. welcome to spite...
it's amazing how fast i flip-flop between contentment and utter disgust. i think i'm entirely too sober to be awake. hopefully the sleeping pills will kick in soon and sail me down the river of unawareness. i can see the stars above my ship now... they're beautiful. ironic it seems, that a sailor like me with passion so deep in his bones can eternally find himself stuck in between, so deeply and passionately alone. welcome to exhaustion... i do believe the angry sun will be rising again soon. ...just another day. i can only hope it will find me in a good mood. goodnight........................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
06/02/05 [6:45 AM]
there truly is so much beauty in the world, so why can't i seem to get passed the ugliness. every once in awhile, my breath is just taken away by how great this existence is. but why is it that the rest of the time, i'm just a blob of confusion that wants the bomb to just drop and take us all out. i don't know what to do... welcome to confusion... ...again. so i will leave you with this little piece of sadness... i scribbled all of this into my computer a couple nights ago. (thank you anthony, for coming back over... i love you more than you'll ever know)
-
"So maybe if people could feel my sadness,
they wouldn’t be so hard on me
maybe I’d get a little respect for maintaining as well as I do
it’s not like I feel the need to make excuses but I’m so sad
where are all my friends?
they all went with my best friend
only he’s not my best friend anymore
I just want to cry
I just want to cry
I had all these lines in my head on the drive here
but they’re all gone
now I just want to cry
yes... pure sadness is all I have at this moment.
And will anyone come here to say hi?
...no
If I were to kill myself tonight... everyone would feel bad when they found out
luke would feel bad
so why cant they just care about me now?
Why does it have to be after I’ve taken too much?
it hurts so much
I know they all care
I know they all do
but why?
I just want to cry
I really do
but I wont let myself
but I might let myself tonight
maybe rightnow
is it fortunate or unfortunate that it’s completely impossible to put pure sadness into words
I’m not sure
I wish the bomb would just drop
so I don’t have to figure that out
we all deserve to die anyway
so why don’t we?
Fuck me
fuck me
fuck me
have you ever really felt pain?
That undeniable feeling inside of you?
It’s not even located in my brain anymore
it’s taken over my entire body
it’s worse than cancer
I just want to disappear
I just want to die
I just want to explode
when is that fucking bomb going to drop?
everyone’s been expecting it for some time
when is everything just going to end?
Do you know what pure sadness feels like?
This is it...
Please bring me peace
please...
And to think... I had a poem in my head on the way home...
Where did that go?
That’s even more sad...
Ok... not quite
I want end
I want end
end...
Please...
I’m going to go break something
maybe I’ll jump off the balcony
maybe I’ll drive my car into a wall
something to make this sadness stop
something
I’ve lost all focus
I can’t write anymore with this sadness
I t’s all fucked
fuck it all
fuck it all
fuckit all
and to think, I gave him all my love"
-
the wind is getting heavy outside so i think i'll go check that out. i see lightening. i hear thunder. i love storms. welcome to something i'll never understand...
06/02/05 [7:14 AM]
i love life... i really do... it's just a shame i'm cursed to always stare at the down-side. as i said in my "essay on the beauty of nothing", just go stare at something beautiful... for me. because you can. because beauty exists... if you don't see it in the stars as i do, find it in something else... like the wonderful lightening that's tearing the sky apart right now...
welcome to adoration...
06/04/05 [6:18 AM]
what can i really say anymore? i'm almost considering canceling this journal. it's just starting to feel like self-indulgent crap. and the fact that everyone's allowed to read it makes me seem like i'm just begging for attention. let's just try not to think that, ok? i'm not really clear what my motives are for this, but my intentions are pure, i promise. some of the previous whining and moaning made my mother cry and double up on her medication. (she's no longer allowed to read it) so if i have to create conditions for this thing, it just doesn't seem like a good idea. but for the moment i shall continue.
my insomnia is still kicking my ass. i had to leave work early the other day because i felt so sick from lack of sleep. i still don't know what to do. i know i'm probably just doing this to myself, but how do i stop? i guess i'll just continue to try to make myself sleep. i slept for a couple hours this morning so far. that makes me feel better.
i still haven't called robin. why am i so stupid? long-distance relationships are definately not my thing (apologies to you too, jenna. oh, and you too siobhan) welcome to regret...
hmm... what else is on my mind this lovely morn. got a note from stacy on my car last night. i think i'll stop avoiding her soon. i'm glad we're not a couple anymore, but i definately do kind of miss her. i really miss seeing her face everyday... it's an uplifting face. she always said she was a horrible person, but i don't think anybody who would say that could really be that. i think to be horrible, you have to be unaware.
i hope i haven't offended anyone lately. i caught myself being too opinionated again last night (and i always thought being 'too opinionated' was impossible... let me tell you, it's not). at least i caught myself. at least i apologized... i'm getting better, i think. i think i'm becoming a better person every day. unfortunately, this conscious effort to better myself seems to be taking an awful toll on my health. depression, insomnia, and most of all, confusion. there's such a thin line between being a great, pure person, and being a blind, self-righteous asshole. kick us all in the nuts for being human, i suppose. for we are only that: human... and that's all we'll ever be. but is that really so bad? sometimes... but...
hmm... welcome to some sort of absurd calmness.
06/06/05
so tired... so tired...
06/07/05
something happened last night that scared the shit out of me. someone i haven't talked to in awhile temporarily lost her mind, and i was reminded of how fragile our mental states truly are. of course, most people aren't as abnormal as us. i was so scared for her. i didn't think i was going to be able to calm her down, but luckily i was. i think she's going to be alright. she better be alright, because if anything happens to her, i'll blame myself. that's a piece of blame i could never live with.
i'm sorry you ever met me, stacey lee space. i'm a miserable soul, and a bad influence on all i come into contact with.
i've recently hit an epiphany, in that hatred towards anyone is completely illogical. we all were born from the same pile of shit. we are all shit... none of us are worth loving. none of us are worth hating. we all just are. the only person i can't seem to stop hating is myself--my own wretched self, soaked through and through with guilt and regret and sorrow. too busy bitching to change. i am the nagging voice in your mind when you can't sleep at night. i am the ringing in your ears. i am the temporary blindness and dizziness when you stand up too fast. i am shit... welcome to hopelessness...
i take that back... some of you are worth loving. hugs to you all...
06/09/05
i'm all about compiling scars...
love yourself, hate yourself
let the blisters bubble up... i know they're ugly, at first.
they feel really strange, at first.
then they become beautiful reminders
don't anger yourself with confusion. i can't do that anymore. i just love everyone right now. especailly those that cause me pain. because there's just no lesson like a painful one. welcome to a complete 180... fuck pretending... confusion ain't that bad, really...
06/13/05
feelin' alright... things are strange. things are really strange. i think i'll dye my hair purple. keep things strange. strange is good. nothing sucks more than ordinary. purple is fun. purple is strange.
i think my next album should be finished in the next couple months. i think this one's gonna be my best. i think it'll be strange. but strange is good, right? i've become a much better producer... more patient. this should be good. still very unclear about how to wrap the album up though. needs to be a little more strange. strange is good. needs a stronger start and finish. something... different. something unusual. nothing's worse than ordinary. hmmm..... i need more time to work on it. i hate my job. make it stop! aahhhhh!!!! when i'm not at work, it's too late to record. oh well... gives me time to think. time to think about how things are really strange. life sucks in such a cool way. wow, i'm strange.
06/21/05
sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken
get ready for stumble2! stumble minus the arrogant cocksuckin' lead singer! coming to a city near you!!@!!!!!
06/23/05
feeling alright today... that's a relief. my hair's purple... well, sort of. looks good. i think i'll go see if stacey is ok. i'm sure she could use some company down there in red cloud... wherever the hell that is. i miss her today... quite a bit actually.
went camping last night... so great to be out in the wilderness with nothing but a fire and a bottle of whiskey. told brandon that i'm totally cool with the old band jamming together... i guess that's sort of a half-truth. i definately have nothing against brandon and anthony for doing so, but it's just so strange. and i hate luke. sorry, that's not true... but it's hard not to some days. welcome to spite. if they form a new band, i don't know if i'll be able to go see them. i think i will. but damn, that'll be strange. luke quits the band and i'm the one that gets shafted... that's cool though. i don't want to be in a band right now. especially not that kind of band. still thinking about maybe trying to start an acoustic band though... some sort of acousticy folk thing... kind of violent femmeish. we'll see...
anyway, back to the wilderness. i love camping. got so loaded. sat in a chair. stared at the sky. made "art" by controlled burning pieces of paper with my cigarette... good times. stared at the sky... played guitar. probably woke up other campers. stared at the sky... screamed at the top of my lungs. stared at the sky... i love the sky. makes me feel insignificant... that's good... significance adds too much pressure. too much pressure. i love the sky...
welcome to unsureness... (is that a word?) can't think of a better one right now. too tired.
p.s. thank you so much jamie for giving me this website... where the hell have ya been lately? haven't seen you in awhile... you probably don't read this anyway, huh? oh well... love ya anyway. see ya soon, brotha...
06/25/05
well... i think my journal is going to have to go back off the wire... there are too many things that i need to write about that i can't let anyone know. this was probably a bad idea in the first place. i suppose i'll still write some things on here... but the weight of it will now have to become completely personal again. sorry... you would understand if you understood.
welcome to the end of the wide-open
life is a bitch with a high-powered fully-automatic weapon.
so yeah... i will still put some little things up here, but don't expect a lot... i thought privacy was only making me close myself off to others, but now i realize that there's no other way... i have to keep secrets. i've doomed myself to that. peace, for now
06/28/05
i'm high on caffeine and i'm wearing patty's hat... hehe... i like patty's hat. it's black and white like some people think life is... hehe... life is so gray... there is no black and white. "oh, my morning's coming back. the whole world's waking up" "i'm happy just because i found out i am really no one" i'm listening to bright eyes.... how can you be upset when you're listening to 'i'm wide awake...' so beautiful... there is hope... because we exist... us... the good ones... we are here... 'we are nowhere, and it's now'.
i don't feel like i need to speak when conor is... he speaks for me completely. is that sad? i don't think so...
i was so unbelievably angry earlier. (i have my reasons) now, i'm alright... i said it before, i'll say it again... we are all shit... if someone thinks i'm a bigger pile of shit, so be it... i don't believe it to be true and that's all that matters... i think i like me. i think other people like me. at least somebody likes me. those of you that don't... well you're welcome to your opinion (even though i'm apparently not), but you're just like me... confused, lost, deranged.... share your opinions... don't let people drag them down. just don't push them. i think i may be guilty of pushing a time or two.. but no more. i wish i could always like life like i do right now.... because i know, right now, i am better than anyone who may be judging me, because, right now, i am not judging. i am simply content... i am me. that is the only statement i can think of that no one can possibly contradict... "i am me". love me hate me kill me kiss me hug me fuck me like me judge me kiss me hug me kick me punch me... whatever you do... i am me. and me i can be proud of.... at least right now... right now, i am me.
the text on my computer screen is becoming 3-dimensional... so i should probably get some sleep... but goodnight to everyone who is beautiful. most of us are. welcome to *#(*&%>>>...
yeah... that's what i said... just welcome. whenever you're angry, whenever you're upset, whenever you're depressed, whenever you're sad... just think... a couple hours from now, i could be happy, i could be excited, i could feel loved. because everyone is loved by someone... wether they accept it or not. wow... happiness is probably the most misunderstood emotion in the human existence... we never will understand where it comes from and we'll never understand where it goes. we all just need to grasp it whenever we see it... and light sadness on fire... it's never necessary... sadness may write some good poetry, but i'd rather be illiterate. well... maybe that's not true... i don't know... i'm just happy to be happy right now... because right now, i am me... i am me.
07/02/05
hello again. i'm pretty indifferent tonight. i hate the way things are, but i love the way things go... i dont know. who the fuck are we? no one really has a true identity. we're all just compilations of the things that compose our past. i hope stacy is doing alright. i need to call her. and where the hell is robin? i heard she's moving to cambridge. i hope she does. i want to meet julia, now that she's a functioning human being. and most of all, i just want to talk to robin. i miss her so... i hope she's not mad at me. i wanted to get ahold of her, but everytime i got an address or phone number, she moved. i also would love it if dylan could come hang out for a night. i miss him too. i love every single one of you who have ever contributed to my life... and that doesn't take much. most of you probably don't even realize how much you've done for me... where are you? "my friends, where are you? it's so dark inside my closet."
so i've always been interested in the supernatural, but now i've decided to take my interest to extremes. i think i'll be getting a week's paid vacation from work in august, so in october, i'm beginning my journey... let's see... how can i explain this quickly? uhmm... alright, on october 16th, i'm heading to my parent's place. on october 17th, i'm heading to blackbird hill. you can read about this here: http://www.legendsofamerica.com/NB-BlackbirdHill.html
after that, i'm going to kind of run with the breeze. i'm going to research other hauntings and find other places to go (hopefully). i've found some interesting places to go in NE, but i guess there's more intrigueing hauntings in kansas, and possibly iowa... we'll see. i'm quite excited... just one experience with the paranormal would make me much more excited to be alive. i just need something to show me that there's depth behind all this assinine bullshit... something worth searching for. something worth living to search for. wish me luck...
07/07/05
well, london's burning. i'm so sick of all the sick fucks that live in the world. what could possibly be the point of killing a bunch of innocent people? i don't care what your fucking cause is... 37 dead and 700 injured so far... fuck.
i want to go see stacey but i have no money and no gas in my car. hey, anybody wanna loan me ten bucks? i don't think i'm gonna make it there. my friends are probably broke too... fuck.
heard back from lindsay. thanks lindsay. i now have a much better idea of what i've done, and what i didn't do. none of it's really anything i could ever resolve though. some of it's just misunderstandings, some of it's not. most of it's me. but i'll always be me. i don't think i'll ever change... fuck.
welcome to hopelessness...
i feel like shit.
i'm so depressed, my stomach hurts.
everything's shit.
i need a vacation.
i need answers. i need to figure everything out.
i need a drink.
DIARY OF A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC:
07/18/05 (DAY 5)
hey everyone. sorry, i've been pretty detached lately and haven't kept up with my writing. i'm now trying to quit drinking so we'll see how things go. this marks the end of my 4th day sober. it's pretty scary, but i feel better already. i just wish i could stop shaking. at least my intestines are no longer tied in knots. i don't know if that was the withdrawal though. i think that may have had something to do with other forces.
anyway, my misery finally caught up with me, and i've decided i require some changes. i'm quitting my job at pizza hut. guess where i'm starting at... domino's! quite a change, eh? everyone i know is being very supportive. well, almost everybody. thanks most of all to you anthony, just for being there to talk to. and thanks ma and pa for driving all the way here just to make sure i'm okay. two of my friends, just an hour ago, told me they're very proud of me. that feels good. i don't remember the last time i gave someone a reason to be proud.
my biggest worry, at first, was passing time. i had forgotten how much harder boredom hits when you're not wasted. i used to be able to keep myself entertained just by taking another shot. but after four days, the nervousness is starting to fade. i had a really good time tonight just sitting around, drinking coffee, and talking to people i barely know.
i was originally thinking of going into inpatient treatment (rehab), but i don't know if that'll be necessary. besides, i need to keep working so i can keep my apartment. i'm going to talk to my friend kelly who went through the same thing. i think she still goes to AA, so i'm going to start. i don't know if it will be for me, but who knows... i might really enjoy it. right now, i feel pretty confident that i'll be able to kick this. i just hope that ridding myself of this habit will make me happier. i'm not really for sure if it's what's causing my depression, but it's very possible. i know it intensifies it. hopefully the cuts and cigarette burns will stop appearing on my body...
i suppose i should probably write something about stacey, but to be honest... she doesn't deserve the indulgence. i swear, she gets off on her own and other people's misery. i give up. she cannot be helped, but hopefully i can. stacey, you should be with nick. maybe he'll put up with your selfish bullshit.
so let's just keep hoping that the number of days sober keep rising, and never start back at zero. wish me luck. thank you all, and my apologies to anyone i've ever hurt with this affliction. until recently, i didn't realize i was hurting you...
welcome to hope and excitement (for the first time in three years).
time is on my side, and for the first time, it's not punching me in the nuts.
oh, and i have a phone (thanks ma and pa), so if you have my number, give me a call. i'm sure i miss you, whoever you may be. peace.
07/19/05 (DAY 6)
still sober. quit my job. got a new one. feeling much better.
i'm going to find out about AA tonight, i think.
keep wishin' me luck...
07/21/05 (DAY 8)
don't have a lot to say. still sober. went to a party last night and i drank coffee and tea all night long. =) i love coffee and tea. they're life-savers. got a couple of shows next month. i think i'm going to drink on those days. playing a show sober just doesn't seem right. maybe i'll just drink on show days. that way, i'll be more motivated to book shows. i don't know yet. i'm afraid if i drink one night, i'll want to the next and so on... we'll see. peace.
07/29/05
wow... it's been awhile, huh? well, tomorrow's my last day at the hut (or i guess that's today since the sun is now up). i'm doing alright with the drinking thing. i haven't had any hard liquor. had a few beers here and there though, but nothing serious. haven't gotten really wasted or anything. i'm heading back to pierce this weekend. gonna go kick back for a few days. i'll be back on monday. feel free to call me if you're bored.
don't have anything much to say. just thought i'd scribble down an update to let everyone know i'm alive and kickin'. i'll try to get more into this journal again soon. g'night (or good morning)
08/09/05
my urges to write here are coming more and more seldomly. i think this will continue to fade out. sorry. i used to do this for myself and for everyone else. now it just feels like i'm doing it for everyone else... whoever you may be.
but i like my new job. i'm still doing alright with the drinking. things are ok.
from now on, if i write anything here... it will more or less just be observations of the events and things around me. no more about me. i'm really bored with myself.
i'll be putting up a photography section soon... that could be interesting. check it out.
buh-bye for now.
______________________________________________________________________________________END...
____________________________________
AND BEGIN AGAIN...
03/19/06
it's storming outside. the snow is devouring everything. it's always hungry, never full. i despise it's gluttony. it's eaten everything i consider beautiful, and it won't spit it back out again for a few days.
i almost deleted my old words from this page. i wanted to. i always hate who i am in retrospect. i've decided against it. rather, i'll allow this record of my mistakes and ignorance to remain intact, if only to teach me of who i am... and who i am not.
i really want to leave this place, but i really don't want to leave my friends. the friends i have now are, by far, the best i've ever had, and possibly the best i ever will have. i want to pack them up in little suitcases, toss them into my trunk, and bring them along. i'm afraid my trunk is not big enough. i'm very afraid of being alone. however, i cannot and will not let this fear hold me back. i WILL, in the near future, move somewhere i can accomplish my dreams. i'm leaning towards Portland, Oregon.
you only live once. i may not have a lot of life left to live. i can't afford to hesitate. i would rather be a homeless failure and know that i tried my damndest, than be a permanent nebraskan, doomed to wither away and forget all my aspirations. as of yet, the passion still remains, stronger than ever. who knows how long it will stick around...
the wind is attacking my windows. the rain-gutters are whistling like ghosts. the snow--flying horizontally. if i were to step outside, i wonder if i would just blow away. blow away towards a better place. or would a gust just swoop in and steal my soul, carrying it into outer-space. i doubt either would be the case... i think i'll go have a cigarette.
09/25/06
another six months go by without notice. why didn't somebody pinch me to wake me up? maybe i could have focused on an event or two. oh well. i don't think i missed anything too important. welcome to the result of painful monotony. i'm bored with life. eugene, here i come.
there's a tarantula staring at me. i wonder how i look next to seven twin brothers. ...like an octopus on halloween. stop mocking me. stop it...
10/13/06
oooooh... friday the 13th... scary... i'm supposed to be out at the bars tonight. don't feel like it. think i'm just gonna sit here and write. maybe just stare at a blank word processor document. paint in a cave. i think all my paint is dried up. need to write something though. something for the Tumbleweed. something to roll around in the breeze. have a lovely evening. and don't worry... everything will be ok in the end. it always is... dreams don't die. only the dreamers do. =)
01/06/07 (i apologize in advance for the multiple tangents of thought you're about to read)
happy new year... and i mean that, sincerely. i wish everyone the best, and i hope you'll do the same for me. i need all the help i can get. i'm not getting any younger, though i suppose i am young. i'm just so anxious to get my life moving in a way that i can be content with. i'm not really looking for much. i'm already half-way there. i have so many people that i love, and so many people who i believe truly love me. and not that self-absorbed, you tell me what i want to hear kind of love, but the kind where we all just need to be around one-another. that's it. no strings attached. i hope i'm right about that. that's the way it feels to me.
so what else am i looking for? i guess i'm not entirely sure. i want to be able to get out of bed before 4pm and be productive. i want to write. i want to sing. i want to play. i've been so unmotivated for so long now. i seem to only get things done when there's a deadline. i want to enjoy creating as much as i used to. i want to, quite simply, be inspired. everything's just routine these days. i'm so sick of it. if moving to oregon doesn't fix this, i'm going to be very, very scared. i need people to tell me i'm not just a hack. i need an audience of appreciative fans. i guess i just want people to recognize how much of myself i put into my music. if i poured out any more of my soul into my songs, i would implode. there would be no more adam disconnected. i would become anti-matter. i would become a black hole, sucking the rest of the planet in with me. i don't need people to like my music. i just need people to respect it. that way, i won't have to worry that i'm wasting my life. not that i really do... welcome to denial...
is life something that can be wasted? none of us even know what it really is. this state of consciousness we dwell in. the only thing we've ever known. all these hollow people on this planet think they know how life should be lived: go to school. graduate. go to college. graduate. get a job. get married. raise a family. die. who the hell came up with this? and why the hell is it pushed on every human being from the day of birth? why does everyone want to be like everyone else? i say fuck that. this existence is not what man is trying to make it into. i hate man. how will we ever learn anything new about the universe or existence or ourselves if we keep doing the same fucking thing over and over again?
and i guess that's why i am who i am. all i've ever wanted to do is to get deeper into myself and into everything else to learn more. to figure out why. it amazes me, how many people go through their lives without even thinking about the big picture. without even asking questions of anything that's being shoved down their throats. take a look around. we're alive. that is a complete impossibility in itself. we live in a world that should not exist. every scientific law known to man is a contradiction. energy cannot be created or destroyed, yet everything is composed of energy. so... the only possibility according to that law, is that this energy has always existed. yet, the fact that anything could perpetually exist, violates dozens of other scientific laws. and beyond science, what have we got? religion? religion explains jack shit. if god created man, what created god? has god always existed? everything we think we know is just a huge web of tangled contradictions and paradoxes. so how can someone just live their short life in a haze of monotony, seeking physical things of no relevance? if all there is to be done here is just to fade away throughout our nine to fives while desperately grasping onto the people around us for some false reassurance that we're important, than i'm gonna have to pass. i'll never live like that. for like lennon, i am a dreamer. like plato, i am a philosopher. i'd rather have nothing besides my mind, than have everything and be mindless. in the end, the intangible things are all that will matter.
to be honest, i think the only real thing that human kind possesses is its ability to realize that it possesses nothing at all. that none of us can ever make sense of anything because there is no sense to be made. we have our fleeting little experiences with other members of our race, and nothing more. so i guess all we can do is accept the beauty of those experiences, because there really is a lot of beauty in the fact that beauty should not even exist. think about that for a second. by all worldy logic, there should be no world. the planet earth should not have been birthed into existence. but we're living on it, and it's so beautiful. the oceans pour toward the green of the land, and the trees reach for the bluest of skies. and every terrific moment of love and happiness you've ever experienced remains vivid inside your memory--the intangible... hold onto it.
so i guess, when you boil it all down, my music doesn't mean shit. it's just one of those fleeting experiences that temporarily satisfy some chemicals in my brain (which shouldn't exist) to make me forget how painfully confusing everything truly is. the phrase, "ignorance is bliss" makes more and more sense every day, though i've denied it's truth my entire life. but i'll keep playing my music to document my days. i'll keep trying to piece together the english language in a way that will get me closer to understanding myself. and if that doesn't work, i'm going to keep doing it anyway. because it's all i have. because it's all i can do to keep my mind from slipping down the evolutionary ladder into the mentality of a monkey like george w. bush. i'll take torture over ignorance any day. you can quote me on that.
01/30/07
i'm opening for simon joyner in march. need i say more? life just gave me a big old sloppy kiss on the lips. now if i can just get shows with david dondero, colin meloy, and conor oberst...
02/18/07
wrote a love song on the 14th. then i realized it was valentine's day. kind of odd. then i went out and got drunk. ended up naked. woke up confused. "single-awareness day" strikes again. anyway... "a valentine for no one" will probably go on my new album. it's pretty.
just bought simon joyner's new album off i-tunes. can't wait to listen to it. skeleton blues.
found my missing mic stand. it was buried in the back seat of my car with half of my possessions. i should just live in the tempo. most of my shit's in it anyway. it would make a better house than an automobile.
getting pumped for march 10th. going to work up my set list on wednesday and thursday. hopefully relearn "this is the last one". get dale to learn the lead parts. maybe relearn "leonard" too. not sure. just know it has to be the perfect set. any suggestions would be appreciated.
gave away half of my shift tomorrow. don't have to close now. i hate working. playing music for a living is my wet dream.
i leave you with a thought that has nothing to do with anything:
"absense of evidence is not evidence of absense..." who says cartoons are mind-numbing.
06/22/07 (for the nebraska crew)
finally in eugene/springfield. it is absolutely beautiful. more than i could have hoped for. we still don't have an apartment, and are staying in a motel for the time being. we should have our own place very soon. the drive was long and tiring, but very worth it. i think i'm going to be very happy here. haven't had much time to check the place out, but so far so great. there's a dollar cinema with 12 theatres. that should occupy some of my down time. there are about 8 shows every day of the week in portland. i'm going to see two gallants and les claypool right here in eugene on the 30th. already got my ticket. we're going to see the ocean as soon as we get all our stuff unloaded into our future home. the oregon vortex is only 2 hours south of here. i can't wait to see that. just set myself up a profile here: (www.helloeugene.com/music/adamdisconnected.cfm) if you want to check it out. my guitar is still packed away and i'm going through hard-core withdrawal. anywho, wish us all luck, but i don't think we'll need it. we've gone to a better place...
p.s.
jamie, let me know if you want me to somehow mail you some money for keeping up my website and e-mail. call me, or i'll call you when i get situated. thanks, man.
06/22/07 (for the oregonites)
bend over, eugene. here i come.
an introduction (04/01/04 in an old journal):
welcome to my therapy...
one must assume that everything he writes will be read... probably after death, hence everything i write will not only be for me, but for everyone else. hello. my name is adam. what's yours?
is anticipation a sin? is it wrong? it feels like it should be... when will things change? when will everything become different? soon? maybe not? does it matter? i guess not. when will previous entries in this diary cease to matter? how long does it take for one to stop caring? how long?
welcome to my world... now... imagine a waterfall... now... imagine you're standing at the bottom of that waterfall, not beside it, but directly underneath... the water surrounds you... the water crashes into your face with the angry force of a thousand gods. now... imagine that every tiny, single droplet of water in this waterfall is a thought... any thought you may have. thousands of these droplets hit you every second--thousands of "thoughts" hit you every second. this is what it's like to be in my head. this is what it's like to be me. does that sound fun? it might... but it's not.
welcome to insanity.
welcome to depression.
welcome to desperation.
welcome to struggle...
now... imagine that you're being attacked. you're being attacked by someone you know. this man is someone you know quite personally. you're being beaten senseless by someone you love--a bully of the worst degree. now... imagine that this bully is you... you're killing yourself... that is me... everyday.
my thoughts are running a marathon. the negatives are always victorious. spin them around and try to confuse them all. try to give happiness a leg-up...
thoughts are complex by nature... when was the last time you had a simple one? if you can remember, you may want to reassess yourself. stop being simple... these are the goals of our lives.
looking out the window reminds me of my past... not so much my past, but the world's past that i existed in. weather, seasons, and things of that sort. seasons change and i often don't even recognize the transitions. the winter is cold, the summer is hot, and there are things in between. i remember blizzards when i didn't want to go outside. i remember calling in sick to work on the first snow of the winter, feeling the comfort of not having to deal with it. i remember autumn when the leaves made the world feel like a children's playground--that crunch under my feet, the bright colors, the patterns on the ground, the beauty. i remember the spring when the flowers loved me so much, when the rain ran its fingers through my hair and caressed my skin. i remember being alone. i remember feeling loved. i remember being alone and loving it. i remember the summer when the sun scorched my skin. i remember being alone and feeling hated. i remember the trendy swimming pool that made me feel akward. i remember the diving board that gave me stitches... well, should have. and most of all, i remember the sun that hated me and scorched my skin. though i would like to deny it, these seasons affect me greatly, along with everything else... that's very frightening.
i need to teach myself to not look back--teach yourself to not look back, except when it feels good... only when it's refreshing. yes, regrets can teach lessons like a bitter professor, but mostly they just cause pain--they abstruct the view of the future that is necessary for my progression in idealistic life. ideal? yeah... i guess that doesn't exist.
one must assume that everything he writes will be read, so this is not only for me, but for all of you. this will be a diary, not only for my own life, but for all the lives intertwined with my own... hello, and welcome to our world.
05/19/05
just put up the new page... i hope i can manage to keep this current. only time will tell, i suppose.
but the past is dead and the future will never be, so may the glorious present be my muse.
welcome to our disconnected world...
05/25/05
i must say, for being as fucked up as i was last night, i maintained my composure quite well. yes, last night was my 21st birthday. be afraid... be very afraid. lock up your children and bar the doors and windows. adam disconnected is now legal.
sorry for the six day gap on here... my internet has been down for some time. hopefully there won't end up being too many gaps on here, but we'll see.
for some reason, i haven't been able to sleep lately (with the exception of last night). i lie in bed and stare at the ceilings and walls. i toss and turn. music doesn't help. i got some sleeping pills. maybe they'll help. i hate the feeling of being helpless towards sleep. i used to be an insomniac when i was younger. i hope that's not coming back. insomnia makes me feel insane... like i should be locked up in a padded room with a straight-jacket. but i bet i could sleep in that room.
05/27/05
well... the last few days are a blur. and i thought i drank too much before. definately haven't had any problems sleeping though... i've had more trouble trying to keep my drunk ass awake. talk at ya soon... gotta go drink some more.
05/29/05
i can't seem to remember the last few nights. so for tonight, i'm taking a drinking break. the binge had to come to an end eventually. it was great while it lasted. i've also discovered that i have some of the coolest friends in the world (with one exception). i'd be dead without 'em. I finally got ahold of Robin's phone number. I'll be calling her soon. I miss her so much. I wish she wasn't so far away. I want a hug.
these entries will be changing to something of a more philosophical sort very soon. but i've been too drunk to think lately. it's been a nice little vacation from thought.
05/30/05
people disgust me. we're all parasitic puppets, desperately trying to fuck each other over. we are "fuck children of slime". on the rare occasion that we do allow one of our positive qualities to shine passed our filthy souls, it's quickly clouded by this pathetic need for recognition. we do one good trick and stare at those around us like we deserve a fucking cookie. well, i'll tell you right now, the only thing any of us deserve is a swift kick in the nether-region. my apologies if there actually are any truly pure people reading this. i suppose it's possible... but i've never met you. if that's the case... keep up the good work, and help us all. welcome to spite...
it's amazing how fast i flip-flop between contentment and utter disgust. i think i'm entirely too sober to be awake. hopefully the sleeping pills will kick in soon and sail me down the river of unawareness. i can see the stars above my ship now... they're beautiful. ironic it seems, that a sailor like me with passion so deep in his bones can eternally find himself stuck in between, so deeply and passionately alone. welcome to exhaustion... i do believe the angry sun will be rising again soon. ...just another day. i can only hope it will find me in a good mood. goodnight........................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
06/02/05 [6:45 AM]
there truly is so much beauty in the world, so why can't i seem to get passed the ugliness. every once in awhile, my breath is just taken away by how great this existence is. but why is it that the rest of the time, i'm just a blob of confusion that wants the bomb to just drop and take us all out. i don't know what to do... welcome to confusion... ...again. so i will leave you with this little piece of sadness... i scribbled all of this into my computer a couple nights ago. (thank you anthony, for coming back over... i love you more than you'll ever know)
-
"So maybe if people could feel my sadness,
they wouldn’t be so hard on me
maybe I’d get a little respect for maintaining as well as I do
it’s not like I feel the need to make excuses but I’m so sad
where are all my friends?
they all went with my best friend
only he’s not my best friend anymore
I just want to cry
I just want to cry
I had all these lines in my head on the drive here
but they’re all gone
now I just want to cry
yes... pure sadness is all I have at this moment.
And will anyone come here to say hi?
...no
If I were to kill myself tonight... everyone would feel bad when they found out
luke would feel bad
so why cant they just care about me now?
Why does it have to be after I’ve taken too much?
it hurts so much
I know they all care
I know they all do
but why?
I just want to cry
I really do
but I wont let myself
but I might let myself tonight
maybe rightnow
is it fortunate or unfortunate that it’s completely impossible to put pure sadness into words
I’m not sure
I wish the bomb would just drop
so I don’t have to figure that out
we all deserve to die anyway
so why don’t we?
Fuck me
fuck me
fuck me
have you ever really felt pain?
That undeniable feeling inside of you?
It’s not even located in my brain anymore
it’s taken over my entire body
it’s worse than cancer
I just want to disappear
I just want to die
I just want to explode
when is that fucking bomb going to drop?
everyone’s been expecting it for some time
when is everything just going to end?
Do you know what pure sadness feels like?
This is it...
Please bring me peace
please...
And to think... I had a poem in my head on the way home...
Where did that go?
That’s even more sad...
Ok... not quite
I want end
I want end
end...
Please...
I’m going to go break something
maybe I’ll jump off the balcony
maybe I’ll drive my car into a wall
something to make this sadness stop
something
I’ve lost all focus
I can’t write anymore with this sadness
I t’s all fucked
fuck it all
fuck it all
fuckit all
and to think, I gave him all my love"
-
the wind is getting heavy outside so i think i'll go check that out. i see lightening. i hear thunder. i love storms. welcome to something i'll never understand...
06/02/05 [7:14 AM]
i love life... i really do... it's just a shame i'm cursed to always stare at the down-side. as i said in my "essay on the beauty of nothing", just go stare at something beautiful... for me. because you can. because beauty exists... if you don't see it in the stars as i do, find it in something else... like the wonderful lightening that's tearing the sky apart right now...
welcome to adoration...
06/04/05 [6:18 AM]
what can i really say anymore? i'm almost considering canceling this journal. it's just starting to feel like self-indulgent crap. and the fact that everyone's allowed to read it makes me seem like i'm just begging for attention. let's just try not to think that, ok? i'm not really clear what my motives are for this, but my intentions are pure, i promise. some of the previous whining and moaning made my mother cry and double up on her medication. (she's no longer allowed to read it) so if i have to create conditions for this thing, it just doesn't seem like a good idea. but for the moment i shall continue.
my insomnia is still kicking my ass. i had to leave work early the other day because i felt so sick from lack of sleep. i still don't know what to do. i know i'm probably just doing this to myself, but how do i stop? i guess i'll just continue to try to make myself sleep. i slept for a couple hours this morning so far. that makes me feel better.
i still haven't called robin. why am i so stupid? long-distance relationships are definately not my thing (apologies to you too, jenna. oh, and you too siobhan) welcome to regret...
hmm... what else is on my mind this lovely morn. got a note from stacy on my car last night. i think i'll stop avoiding her soon. i'm glad we're not a couple anymore, but i definately do kind of miss her. i really miss seeing her face everyday... it's an uplifting face. she always said she was a horrible person, but i don't think anybody who would say that could really be that. i think to be horrible, you have to be unaware.
i hope i haven't offended anyone lately. i caught myself being too opinionated again last night (and i always thought being 'too opinionated' was impossible... let me tell you, it's not). at least i caught myself. at least i apologized... i'm getting better, i think. i think i'm becoming a better person every day. unfortunately, this conscious effort to better myself seems to be taking an awful toll on my health. depression, insomnia, and most of all, confusion. there's such a thin line between being a great, pure person, and being a blind, self-righteous asshole. kick us all in the nuts for being human, i suppose. for we are only that: human... and that's all we'll ever be. but is that really so bad? sometimes... but...
hmm... welcome to some sort of absurd calmness.
06/06/05
so tired... so tired...
06/07/05
something happened last night that scared the shit out of me. someone i haven't talked to in awhile temporarily lost her mind, and i was reminded of how fragile our mental states truly are. of course, most people aren't as abnormal as us. i was so scared for her. i didn't think i was going to be able to calm her down, but luckily i was. i think she's going to be alright. she better be alright, because if anything happens to her, i'll blame myself. that's a piece of blame i could never live with.
i'm sorry you ever met me, stacey lee space. i'm a miserable soul, and a bad influence on all i come into contact with.
i've recently hit an epiphany, in that hatred towards anyone is completely illogical. we all were born from the same pile of shit. we are all shit... none of us are worth loving. none of us are worth hating. we all just are. the only person i can't seem to stop hating is myself--my own wretched self, soaked through and through with guilt and regret and sorrow. too busy bitching to change. i am the nagging voice in your mind when you can't sleep at night. i am the ringing in your ears. i am the temporary blindness and dizziness when you stand up too fast. i am shit... welcome to hopelessness...
i take that back... some of you are worth loving. hugs to you all...
06/09/05
i'm all about compiling scars...
love yourself, hate yourself
let the blisters bubble up... i know they're ugly, at first.
they feel really strange, at first.
then they become beautiful reminders
don't anger yourself with confusion. i can't do that anymore. i just love everyone right now. especailly those that cause me pain. because there's just no lesson like a painful one. welcome to a complete 180... fuck pretending... confusion ain't that bad, really...
06/13/05
feelin' alright... things are strange. things are really strange. i think i'll dye my hair purple. keep things strange. strange is good. nothing sucks more than ordinary. purple is fun. purple is strange.
i think my next album should be finished in the next couple months. i think this one's gonna be my best. i think it'll be strange. but strange is good, right? i've become a much better producer... more patient. this should be good. still very unclear about how to wrap the album up though. needs to be a little more strange. strange is good. needs a stronger start and finish. something... different. something unusual. nothing's worse than ordinary. hmmm..... i need more time to work on it. i hate my job. make it stop! aahhhhh!!!! when i'm not at work, it's too late to record. oh well... gives me time to think. time to think about how things are really strange. life sucks in such a cool way. wow, i'm strange.
06/21/05
sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken
get ready for stumble2! stumble minus the arrogant cocksuckin' lead singer! coming to a city near you!!@!!!!!
06/23/05
feeling alright today... that's a relief. my hair's purple... well, sort of. looks good. i think i'll go see if stacey is ok. i'm sure she could use some company down there in red cloud... wherever the hell that is. i miss her today... quite a bit actually.
went camping last night... so great to be out in the wilderness with nothing but a fire and a bottle of whiskey. told brandon that i'm totally cool with the old band jamming together... i guess that's sort of a half-truth. i definately have nothing against brandon and anthony for doing so, but it's just so strange. and i hate luke. sorry, that's not true... but it's hard not to some days. welcome to spite. if they form a new band, i don't know if i'll be able to go see them. i think i will. but damn, that'll be strange. luke quits the band and i'm the one that gets shafted... that's cool though. i don't want to be in a band right now. especially not that kind of band. still thinking about maybe trying to start an acoustic band though... some sort of acousticy folk thing... kind of violent femmeish. we'll see...
anyway, back to the wilderness. i love camping. got so loaded. sat in a chair. stared at the sky. made "art" by controlled burning pieces of paper with my cigarette... good times. stared at the sky... played guitar. probably woke up other campers. stared at the sky... screamed at the top of my lungs. stared at the sky... i love the sky. makes me feel insignificant... that's good... significance adds too much pressure. too much pressure. i love the sky...
welcome to unsureness... (is that a word?) can't think of a better one right now. too tired.
p.s. thank you so much jamie for giving me this website... where the hell have ya been lately? haven't seen you in awhile... you probably don't read this anyway, huh? oh well... love ya anyway. see ya soon, brotha...
06/25/05
well... i think my journal is going to have to go back off the wire... there are too many things that i need to write about that i can't let anyone know. this was probably a bad idea in the first place. i suppose i'll still write some things on here... but the weight of it will now have to become completely personal again. sorry... you would understand if you understood.
welcome to the end of the wide-open
life is a bitch with a high-powered fully-automatic weapon.
so yeah... i will still put some little things up here, but don't expect a lot... i thought privacy was only making me close myself off to others, but now i realize that there's no other way... i have to keep secrets. i've doomed myself to that. peace, for now
06/28/05
i'm high on caffeine and i'm wearing patty's hat... hehe... i like patty's hat. it's black and white like some people think life is... hehe... life is so gray... there is no black and white. "oh, my morning's coming back. the whole world's waking up" "i'm happy just because i found out i am really no one" i'm listening to bright eyes.... how can you be upset when you're listening to 'i'm wide awake...' so beautiful... there is hope... because we exist... us... the good ones... we are here... 'we are nowhere, and it's now'.
i don't feel like i need to speak when conor is... he speaks for me completely. is that sad? i don't think so...
i was so unbelievably angry earlier. (i have my reasons) now, i'm alright... i said it before, i'll say it again... we are all shit... if someone thinks i'm a bigger pile of shit, so be it... i don't believe it to be true and that's all that matters... i think i like me. i think other people like me. at least somebody likes me. those of you that don't... well you're welcome to your opinion (even though i'm apparently not), but you're just like me... confused, lost, deranged.... share your opinions... don't let people drag them down. just don't push them. i think i may be guilty of pushing a time or two.. but no more. i wish i could always like life like i do right now.... because i know, right now, i am better than anyone who may be judging me, because, right now, i am not judging. i am simply content... i am me. that is the only statement i can think of that no one can possibly contradict... "i am me". love me hate me kill me kiss me hug me fuck me like me judge me kiss me hug me kick me punch me... whatever you do... i am me. and me i can be proud of.... at least right now... right now, i am me.
the text on my computer screen is becoming 3-dimensional... so i should probably get some sleep... but goodnight to everyone who is beautiful. most of us are. welcome to *#(*&%>>>...
yeah... that's what i said... just welcome. whenever you're angry, whenever you're upset, whenever you're depressed, whenever you're sad... just think... a couple hours from now, i could be happy, i could be excited, i could feel loved. because everyone is loved by someone... wether they accept it or not. wow... happiness is probably the most misunderstood emotion in the human existence... we never will understand where it comes from and we'll never understand where it goes. we all just need to grasp it whenever we see it... and light sadness on fire... it's never necessary... sadness may write some good poetry, but i'd rather be illiterate. well... maybe that's not true... i don't know... i'm just happy to be happy right now... because right now, i am me... i am me.
07/02/05
hello again. i'm pretty indifferent tonight. i hate the way things are, but i love the way things go... i dont know. who the fuck are we? no one really has a true identity. we're all just compilations of the things that compose our past. i hope stacy is doing alright. i need to call her. and where the hell is robin? i heard she's moving to cambridge. i hope she does. i want to meet julia, now that she's a functioning human being. and most of all, i just want to talk to robin. i miss her so... i hope she's not mad at me. i wanted to get ahold of her, but everytime i got an address or phone number, she moved. i also would love it if dylan could come hang out for a night. i miss him too. i love every single one of you who have ever contributed to my life... and that doesn't take much. most of you probably don't even realize how much you've done for me... where are you? "my friends, where are you? it's so dark inside my closet."
so i've always been interested in the supernatural, but now i've decided to take my interest to extremes. i think i'll be getting a week's paid vacation from work in august, so in october, i'm beginning my journey... let's see... how can i explain this quickly? uhmm... alright, on october 16th, i'm heading to my parent's place. on october 17th, i'm heading to blackbird hill. you can read about this here: http://www.legendsofamerica.com/NB-BlackbirdHill.html
after that, i'm going to kind of run with the breeze. i'm going to research other hauntings and find other places to go (hopefully). i've found some interesting places to go in NE, but i guess there's more intrigueing hauntings in kansas, and possibly iowa... we'll see. i'm quite excited... just one experience with the paranormal would make me much more excited to be alive. i just need something to show me that there's depth behind all this assinine bullshit... something worth searching for. something worth living to search for. wish me luck...
07/07/05
well, london's burning. i'm so sick of all the sick fucks that live in the world. what could possibly be the point of killing a bunch of innocent people? i don't care what your fucking cause is... 37 dead and 700 injured so far... fuck.
i want to go see stacey but i have no money and no gas in my car. hey, anybody wanna loan me ten bucks? i don't think i'm gonna make it there. my friends are probably broke too... fuck.
heard back from lindsay. thanks lindsay. i now have a much better idea of what i've done, and what i didn't do. none of it's really anything i could ever resolve though. some of it's just misunderstandings, some of it's not. most of it's me. but i'll always be me. i don't think i'll ever change... fuck.
welcome to hopelessness...
i feel like shit.
i'm so depressed, my stomach hurts.
everything's shit.
i need a vacation.
i need answers. i need to figure everything out.
i need a drink.
DIARY OF A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC:
07/18/05 (DAY 5)
hey everyone. sorry, i've been pretty detached lately and haven't kept up with my writing. i'm now trying to quit drinking so we'll see how things go. this marks the end of my 4th day sober. it's pretty scary, but i feel better already. i just wish i could stop shaking. at least my intestines are no longer tied in knots. i don't know if that was the withdrawal though. i think that may have had something to do with other forces.
anyway, my misery finally caught up with me, and i've decided i require some changes. i'm quitting my job at pizza hut. guess where i'm starting at... domino's! quite a change, eh? everyone i know is being very supportive. well, almost everybody. thanks most of all to you anthony, just for being there to talk to. and thanks ma and pa for driving all the way here just to make sure i'm okay. two of my friends, just an hour ago, told me they're very proud of me. that feels good. i don't remember the last time i gave someone a reason to be proud.
my biggest worry, at first, was passing time. i had forgotten how much harder boredom hits when you're not wasted. i used to be able to keep myself entertained just by taking another shot. but after four days, the nervousness is starting to fade. i had a really good time tonight just sitting around, drinking coffee, and talking to people i barely know.
i was originally thinking of going into inpatient treatment (rehab), but i don't know if that'll be necessary. besides, i need to keep working so i can keep my apartment. i'm going to talk to my friend kelly who went through the same thing. i think she still goes to AA, so i'm going to start. i don't know if it will be for me, but who knows... i might really enjoy it. right now, i feel pretty confident that i'll be able to kick this. i just hope that ridding myself of this habit will make me happier. i'm not really for sure if it's what's causing my depression, but it's very possible. i know it intensifies it. hopefully the cuts and cigarette burns will stop appearing on my body...
i suppose i should probably write something about stacey, but to be honest... she doesn't deserve the indulgence. i swear, she gets off on her own and other people's misery. i give up. she cannot be helped, but hopefully i can. stacey, you should be with nick. maybe he'll put up with your selfish bullshit.
so let's just keep hoping that the number of days sober keep rising, and never start back at zero. wish me luck. thank you all, and my apologies to anyone i've ever hurt with this affliction. until recently, i didn't realize i was hurting you...
welcome to hope and excitement (for the first time in three years).
time is on my side, and for the first time, it's not punching me in the nuts.
oh, and i have a phone (thanks ma and pa), so if you have my number, give me a call. i'm sure i miss you, whoever you may be. peace.
07/19/05 (DAY 6)
still sober. quit my job. got a new one. feeling much better.
i'm going to find out about AA tonight, i think.
keep wishin' me luck...
07/21/05 (DAY 8)
don't have a lot to say. still sober. went to a party last night and i drank coffee and tea all night long. =) i love coffee and tea. they're life-savers. got a couple of shows next month. i think i'm going to drink on those days. playing a show sober just doesn't seem right. maybe i'll just drink on show days. that way, i'll be more motivated to book shows. i don't know yet. i'm afraid if i drink one night, i'll want to the next and so on... we'll see. peace.
07/29/05
wow... it's been awhile, huh? well, tomorrow's my last day at the hut (or i guess that's today since the sun is now up). i'm doing alright with the drinking thing. i haven't had any hard liquor. had a few beers here and there though, but nothing serious. haven't gotten really wasted or anything. i'm heading back to pierce this weekend. gonna go kick back for a few days. i'll be back on monday. feel free to call me if you're bored.
don't have anything much to say. just thought i'd scribble down an update to let everyone know i'm alive and kickin'. i'll try to get more into this journal again soon. g'night (or good morning)
08/09/05
my urges to write here are coming more and more seldomly. i think this will continue to fade out. sorry. i used to do this for myself and for everyone else. now it just feels like i'm doing it for everyone else... whoever you may be.
but i like my new job. i'm still doing alright with the drinking. things are ok.
from now on, if i write anything here... it will more or less just be observations of the events and things around me. no more about me. i'm really bored with myself.
i'll be putting up a photography section soon... that could be interesting. check it out.
buh-bye for now.
______________________________________________________________________________________END...
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AND BEGIN AGAIN...
03/19/06
it's storming outside. the snow is devouring everything. it's always hungry, never full. i despise it's gluttony. it's eaten everything i consider beautiful, and it won't spit it back out again for a few days.
i almost deleted my old words from this page. i wanted to. i always hate who i am in retrospect. i've decided against it. rather, i'll allow this record of my mistakes and ignorance to remain intact, if only to teach me of who i am... and who i am not.
i really want to leave this place, but i really don't want to leave my friends. the friends i have now are, by far, the best i've ever had, and possibly the best i ever will have. i want to pack them up in little suitcases, toss them into my trunk, and bring them along. i'm afraid my trunk is not big enough. i'm very afraid of being alone. however, i cannot and will not let this fear hold me back. i WILL, in the near future, move somewhere i can accomplish my dreams. i'm leaning towards Portland, Oregon.
you only live once. i may not have a lot of life left to live. i can't afford to hesitate. i would rather be a homeless failure and know that i tried my damndest, than be a permanent nebraskan, doomed to wither away and forget all my aspirations. as of yet, the passion still remains, stronger than ever. who knows how long it will stick around...
the wind is attacking my windows. the rain-gutters are whistling like ghosts. the snow--flying horizontally. if i were to step outside, i wonder if i would just blow away. blow away towards a better place. or would a gust just swoop in and steal my soul, carrying it into outer-space. i doubt either would be the case... i think i'll go have a cigarette.
09/25/06
another six months go by without notice. why didn't somebody pinch me to wake me up? maybe i could have focused on an event or two. oh well. i don't think i missed anything too important. welcome to the result of painful monotony. i'm bored with life. eugene, here i come.
there's a tarantula staring at me. i wonder how i look next to seven twin brothers. ...like an octopus on halloween. stop mocking me. stop it...
10/13/06
oooooh... friday the 13th... scary... i'm supposed to be out at the bars tonight. don't feel like it. think i'm just gonna sit here and write. maybe just stare at a blank word processor document. paint in a cave. i think all my paint is dried up. need to write something though. something for the Tumbleweed. something to roll around in the breeze. have a lovely evening. and don't worry... everything will be ok in the end. it always is... dreams don't die. only the dreamers do. =)
01/06/07 (i apologize in advance for the multiple tangents of thought you're about to read)
happy new year... and i mean that, sincerely. i wish everyone the best, and i hope you'll do the same for me. i need all the help i can get. i'm not getting any younger, though i suppose i am young. i'm just so anxious to get my life moving in a way that i can be content with. i'm not really looking for much. i'm already half-way there. i have so many people that i love, and so many people who i believe truly love me. and not that self-absorbed, you tell me what i want to hear kind of love, but the kind where we all just need to be around one-another. that's it. no strings attached. i hope i'm right about that. that's the way it feels to me.
so what else am i looking for? i guess i'm not entirely sure. i want to be able to get out of bed before 4pm and be productive. i want to write. i want to sing. i want to play. i've been so unmotivated for so long now. i seem to only get things done when there's a deadline. i want to enjoy creating as much as i used to. i want to, quite simply, be inspired. everything's just routine these days. i'm so sick of it. if moving to oregon doesn't fix this, i'm going to be very, very scared. i need people to tell me i'm not just a hack. i need an audience of appreciative fans. i guess i just want people to recognize how much of myself i put into my music. if i poured out any more of my soul into my songs, i would implode. there would be no more adam disconnected. i would become anti-matter. i would become a black hole, sucking the rest of the planet in with me. i don't need people to like my music. i just need people to respect it. that way, i won't have to worry that i'm wasting my life. not that i really do... welcome to denial...
is life something that can be wasted? none of us even know what it really is. this state of consciousness we dwell in. the only thing we've ever known. all these hollow people on this planet think they know how life should be lived: go to school. graduate. go to college. graduate. get a job. get married. raise a family. die. who the hell came up with this? and why the hell is it pushed on every human being from the day of birth? why does everyone want to be like everyone else? i say fuck that. this existence is not what man is trying to make it into. i hate man. how will we ever learn anything new about the universe or existence or ourselves if we keep doing the same fucking thing over and over again?
and i guess that's why i am who i am. all i've ever wanted to do is to get deeper into myself and into everything else to learn more. to figure out why. it amazes me, how many people go through their lives without even thinking about the big picture. without even asking questions of anything that's being shoved down their throats. take a look around. we're alive. that is a complete impossibility in itself. we live in a world that should not exist. every scientific law known to man is a contradiction. energy cannot be created or destroyed, yet everything is composed of energy. so... the only possibility according to that law, is that this energy has always existed. yet, the fact that anything could perpetually exist, violates dozens of other scientific laws. and beyond science, what have we got? religion? religion explains jack shit. if god created man, what created god? has god always existed? everything we think we know is just a huge web of tangled contradictions and paradoxes. so how can someone just live their short life in a haze of monotony, seeking physical things of no relevance? if all there is to be done here is just to fade away throughout our nine to fives while desperately grasping onto the people around us for some false reassurance that we're important, than i'm gonna have to pass. i'll never live like that. for like lennon, i am a dreamer. like plato, i am a philosopher. i'd rather have nothing besides my mind, than have everything and be mindless. in the end, the intangible things are all that will matter.
to be honest, i think the only real thing that human kind possesses is its ability to realize that it possesses nothing at all. that none of us can ever make sense of anything because there is no sense to be made. we have our fleeting little experiences with other members of our race, and nothing more. so i guess all we can do is accept the beauty of those experiences, because there really is a lot of beauty in the fact that beauty should not even exist. think about that for a second. by all worldy logic, there should be no world. the planet earth should not have been birthed into existence. but we're living on it, and it's so beautiful. the oceans pour toward the green of the land, and the trees reach for the bluest of skies. and every terrific moment of love and happiness you've ever experienced remains vivid inside your memory--the intangible... hold onto it.
so i guess, when you boil it all down, my music doesn't mean shit. it's just one of those fleeting experiences that temporarily satisfy some chemicals in my brain (which shouldn't exist) to make me forget how painfully confusing everything truly is. the phrase, "ignorance is bliss" makes more and more sense every day, though i've denied it's truth my entire life. but i'll keep playing my music to document my days. i'll keep trying to piece together the english language in a way that will get me closer to understanding myself. and if that doesn't work, i'm going to keep doing it anyway. because it's all i have. because it's all i can do to keep my mind from slipping down the evolutionary ladder into the mentality of a monkey like george w. bush. i'll take torture over ignorance any day. you can quote me on that.
01/30/07
i'm opening for simon joyner in march. need i say more? life just gave me a big old sloppy kiss on the lips. now if i can just get shows with david dondero, colin meloy, and conor oberst...
02/18/07
wrote a love song on the 14th. then i realized it was valentine's day. kind of odd. then i went out and got drunk. ended up naked. woke up confused. "single-awareness day" strikes again. anyway... "a valentine for no one" will probably go on my new album. it's pretty.
just bought simon joyner's new album off i-tunes. can't wait to listen to it. skeleton blues.
found my missing mic stand. it was buried in the back seat of my car with half of my possessions. i should just live in the tempo. most of my shit's in it anyway. it would make a better house than an automobile.
getting pumped for march 10th. going to work up my set list on wednesday and thursday. hopefully relearn "this is the last one". get dale to learn the lead parts. maybe relearn "leonard" too. not sure. just know it has to be the perfect set. any suggestions would be appreciated.
gave away half of my shift tomorrow. don't have to close now. i hate working. playing music for a living is my wet dream.
i leave you with a thought that has nothing to do with anything:
"absense of evidence is not evidence of absense..." who says cartoons are mind-numbing.
06/22/07 (for the nebraska crew)
finally in eugene/springfield. it is absolutely beautiful. more than i could have hoped for. we still don't have an apartment, and are staying in a motel for the time being. we should have our own place very soon. the drive was long and tiring, but very worth it. i think i'm going to be very happy here. haven't had much time to check the place out, but so far so great. there's a dollar cinema with 12 theatres. that should occupy some of my down time. there are about 8 shows every day of the week in portland. i'm going to see two gallants and les claypool right here in eugene on the 30th. already got my ticket. we're going to see the ocean as soon as we get all our stuff unloaded into our future home. the oregon vortex is only 2 hours south of here. i can't wait to see that. just set myself up a profile here: (www.helloeugene.com/music/adamdisconnected.cfm) if you want to check it out. my guitar is still packed away and i'm going through hard-core withdrawal. anywho, wish us all luck, but i don't think we'll need it. we've gone to a better place...
p.s.
jamie, let me know if you want me to somehow mail you some money for keeping up my website and e-mail. call me, or i'll call you when i get situated. thanks, man.
06/22/07 (for the oregonites)
bend over, eugene. here i come.
